Message and Fellowship: Love Languages

Friday 6/29
7:30-9:30pm
ACC Portable

Post-Fellowship: Winston's House

The Five Love Languages

Pastor Gaylord

There’s also “The Five Love Languages for Singles”!

My Big Fat Greek Wedding clip

-aunt shows the boyfriend love through food – but he’s a vegetarian.. so she decides to cook him lamb

If you don’t understand someone’s love language, they may not be able to experience your love.

Without love, life can become exceedingly bleak.

Most singles understand more about computers than about love because they’ve spent more time studying computers. (paraphrased quotation from The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman)

I John 4:7-11

Let us love one another, love is from God… God is love… sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins… (people see God through us).

We all have a mother tongue.

Can learn different dialects of Chinese – saying something in one dialect can be misinterpreted in another dialect. Can’t be understood.

Nice in a foreign country to hear someone speaking your mother tongue.

The main point isn’t to figure out our own love language so people can love us better. We need to figure out how to love others.

Our families’ way of loving (or not loving) has shaped us immensely – but by God’s grace, we can still grow in this area.

The Five Love Languages

- Words of Affirmation (appreciation, encouragement, call attention to progress, acknowledge person’s perspective, may seem like just a passing statement to you, can help person overcome insecurities)

- Gifts (doesn’t have to be expensive/bought/regular, challenging for some who like to save money, e.g. this is Tina’s dad’s love language)

- Acts of Service (done out of love not obligation, Jesus washing disciples’ feet, e.g. PG’s mom came to help after Silas’ birth but misinterpreted, communication was needed to clarify)

- Quality Time (more than mere proximity, focus all energy on friend/spouse, e.g. this is Tina’s love language, she likes word games so PG can show love by playing Text Twist with her)

- Physical Touch (Peylin’s favorite! :P, important to show love/appreciation in Bolivia, just because you didn’t grow up with affectionate parents it doesn’t mean you don’t yearn for it now – or don’t need it now, there are appropriate ways of showing this form of love with guys/girls)

-many dialects of each of these

Even if these don’t come naturally, you can learn – need to be intentional about learning and putting them into practice.

Discovering Your Primary Love Language (75% of people give love the same way they receive it)

- Observe your own behavior (what do you say to people, what do you do naturally, ask someone else to observe)

- Observe what you request of others (“I haven’t had a good hug in 2 weeks”, “They always criticize me. I wish they would just acknowledge something I did right”, “I have this project – can you help me with it?”)

- Listen to your complaints (what gets you really upset, similar to above)

If you want to see change happen for people, love them in their language.

Friendships either grow or decline – to strengthen your friendship, apply these love languages.

Singles in service.

To figure out your ministry, what is your natural way of receiving love? Use it in service. If your love language is quality time, figure out how you can spend quality time with people around you. Ask God to show you people’s love languages so you can be Christ to them – like co-workers. Speak love to special friends – single moms, special needs children, etc.

Don’t force your love language on someone else. Take the time to figure out their language.

Questions/Comments

Andy: It helps to know how others communicate love even if it’s not your primary mode – so that way you can mentally understand and appreciate it.

Wei: Question/clarification about singles in service. (Sorry, I didn’t get the answer :P)

Peylin: Blessing in the workplace. How can you tell what your co-workers’ love languages are? Pray, ask God to show you. Observe their actions in meetings, their responses to the boss’ words, how they step up to help.

Cornerstoners’ Love Languages :)

Words of Affirmation (for these people, it may be tough to hear words of criticism)

Eddie C

Andy L

Marilyn L

Faya P

Pastor Gaylord

Quality Time

Chris W

Tim K

Judith C

Sharon T

Priscilla H

Peylin F

Geoff P

Fred H

Winston W

Acts of Service

Moses C

Johnson C

Physical Touch

Ricky T

Wei L

Volunteering with the Group-Formerly-Known-As-Peylin's!

Saturday 6/23
Meet at church at 9:30am
(main parking lot by Morrison, Taylor gym, Portable)

Message and Fellowship: Support System

Friday 6/15
7:30-9:30pm
Ricky and Sharon's House
12517 Sir Christophers Cove

Support Systems - A Healing Community
June 15, 2007

in the mid-19th century, the world "individualism" didn't even exist (The Connecting Church)

1. Why do we need a support system?

Hillary Clinton - it takes a village

BRAINSTORM
-to provide accountability
-in case we fall or have hard times (encourage)
-to provide different perspectives, shared experiences
-take care of menial tasks (provide meal, etc so someone can focus on more important)
-handhold through the fog

Band of Brothers - interviews with actual men
-when the fighting was the worst, it was the guy next to him in the hole who helped him make the sacrifice, take that chance - his brothers, would give his life so they would live
-something about being involved in a crisis, have to rely on the people around you

Examples of people in the Bible who stood by one another during the hard times, during the fearful times, during times of uncertainty. But also through times of victory and exultation.

BRAINSTORM
-David and Jonathan
-Moses and Aaron (Moses had to keep arms up in order for the Israelites to win the battle, Aaron had to help him-Exodus 17:8-15; both Moses and Aaron had to go together to talk with Pharaoh, Aaron provided stability and comfort)


2. What does it look like?

We all have an instinctive, visceral understanding of what a support system looks like.

-created for community, people to love and love us in return

Matthew 7:12 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets."

-there are certain things we desire in our friendships, our friends desire the same thing from us
-have to unlearn certain things about how to have healthy friendships

What are you looking for when you are in need?

BRAINSTORM
-to be listened to
-a massage (Sean :P)
-someone to help with the little things (like food)
-to be understood (try to understand), not playing devil's advocate, to be your ally (there's a time for speaking truth.. but maybe later)
-someone genuine who truly wants to be there, not rushed; not because they have to
-like Job's friends, there for him, dust on heads
-trust, lack of judgment, know you won't be thought of differently, won't tell someone else, safe
-will carry that burden for you for a while, come alongside for a time, share burden

Andy's Brainstorms:
- listens
- understands (or tries to)
- doesn't judge (unlike Job's friends)
- can offer healing (in many different forms, come away refreshed)
- someone to pray with you
- points you to our Hope
- gives perspective
- loves you, accepts you, won't turn on you


3. How does it happen:

How to develop a support system?
develop = grows over time

BRAINSTORM
-find people you can trust (hard to build, easy to trust)
-find people with similar occupation, life stage, experience - easier to empathize
-have to sacrifice, become vulnerable, leap of faith (goes hand in hand with trust)
-develop closer relationship, can't just stay at surface level, won't dump on someone you don't know, don't have a deeper relationship with; be intentional, take time, be flexible, be willing to experience things with people
-be approachable (drop the shield, force field), be available
-leaders model more public vulnerability
-be willing to ask for help

Andy's Brainstorms
- not avoid crisis or pain (hard to feel need for this kind of support system until in a time of crisis, crisis draws people together; used to think life was meant to be without hardships; now believes that pain is inevitable, draws us closer to God and to each other; Andy's sharing about personal crisis, able to build deep friendships with Wed night prayer meeting)
- willingness to be vulnerable
- acknowledge your brokenness & sinfulness
- willingness to give as well as receive (understand it's a 2-way street; like Walton who came 2x/week to be with, pray with Andy)
- be involved with people (don't know you need them until you really do)
- takes steps to deepen your relationships


How to be a part of one?

BRAINSTORM
-know what your gifts are and actively try to bless people with them; know "gifts" of experience, give out of them
-showing up, being there, 100% success requires showing up
-join an already established group, or form your own - group of similar needs; be vulnerable about your experiences, pains

Andy's Brainstorms
- love, love, love (only way for a person to move out of themselves and really touch another person's life)
- no ulterior motives (do we really love people w/ no strings attached?)
- get to know each other (how do you know what to say, when to you know to say it - no secret, no formula; won't know w/ blank slate, no context; with context, relationship plus Spirit's leading, will know; won't always say the right thing - but will know it's grounded in love)
- be a part of one another's lives
- volunteer your life (took a lot of guts for P-Walton to ask if Andy would get together; Andy could've said no)
- take the initiative (e.g. Pastor Walton)
- work on personal wholeness (two ticks and no dog- don't want to suck the life out of each other, no life source -> co-dependent; our "dog" is God, our life source; else just spiral down together)


**Are we available to love and make a difference?

Community, Fellowship = place to make a difference

- to heal the broken
- to bring hope to the hopeless
- to show grace to those in need

have to want to love


Discussion Questions:
Do you have a support system? If so, who comprises that group?

What do you struggle with the most in developing that community?

How can you improve in being a part of that community for someone else?

Worship/Prayer with Moses' Small Group!

Friday 6/8
7:30-9:30pm
ACC, Carey Building (Lighthouse)