Message and Fellowship: Vulnerability in Friendships

Friday 5/4
7:30-9:30pm (by Dan Davis - ACC, Wycliffe Portable)
10:00-11:30pm Hang-out at Alex's House

Geoff's Notes (with Marilyn's notes sprinkled in :P):

• "Character is formed in community and tested in isolation"
• We think that it is when we are with others that our character is tested, but it's when we are in private that we think that we are not accountable
• Character is formed by how we relate to others. Our friends, the people who can push our buttons
• "I don't believe in accountability"
• Christianity is a message of grace, grace is the essence of Christianity; legalism is antithetical to that
  
• Has friends who have extracted rules for being a Christian, and "accountability" is asking "have you done your quiet time?" "have you prayed today?", etc.
• An environment of grace is a place where you feel safe to tell the truth about yourself, that you won't be rejected. Character is best formed in an environment of grace, in the context of community, not legalism
  
• Obviously "accountability" is not fostering this kind of environment - make your accountability grace-filled
  
• I won't feel safe to share about myself until I trust you, and I won't trust you until I understand that you love me. Until then, I'll keep things hidden. Unconfessed sin has power over my life - so I need a place where I feel safe (this should be in the context of Christian community). Jesus tells us to love everyone - but we're afraid to (i.e. we're afraid to do what Jesus has commanded us to do).
• Cornerstone is not a "safe" place for Dan Davis, because he doesn't know us. He doesn't know what hurts older people have caused us, what distrust of authority figures we have, etc.
• The word "love" is overloaded in English. "I love you" has too many connotations, particularly romantic, so it's hard for us [Christians] to talk about love, which we should be able to talk about.
  
• Call for reactions:
• Ricky: what about rebuke?
• If you rebuke me, I should know that you love me. (If you're going to rebuke me, I better know you love me.) If you're "Quick Draw McGraw" comin' in and rebukin' people, someone needs to rebuke you.
• We cannot judge people, that is, determine their motives for them. But we can be fruit inspectors. (i.e. we can discern what we see)
  
• His ministry to pastors is successful because pastors have decided that they can trust him.
• There's no safe place for pastors to confess sin. (What would you think if your pastor confessed to, say, adultery or lust?)
• Can't really go to other pastors, because pastors are sort of spiritually competitive
• Do you have a safe place?
• Where there's a history of sharing, being loved. Character is developed where you feel safe.
  
• You should not be vulnerable to anyone. You should only be vulnerable where you feel safe.
• Difference between vulnerable and transparent:
• Transparency: I'll let you look at the inside of my life
• Vulnerability: Not only will I let you look at the inside, but will trust you to lead me to a better place
• Ex: My wife and I will be celebrating our 50 year wedding anniversary. ... My wife and I have been very happily married for 44 years. [Implication was that 6 years were not so good!] This is transparency.
• Example from his marriage of a huge fight. His wife drove off, really angry, and he thought that she had gone to talk to her parents about the fight (they lived 5 miles away). Instead, she drove up and down the Pacific coast, asking God how she could hate someone she loved so much, because she had made a commitment not to ever expose him to others. This formed the basis of deep trust in their marriage.
• Fred: Can men and women be vulnerable to each other?
• 1 Cor 13 is how we should relate to each other, both single gender and cross gender.
• Andy: Is it realistic to expect this kind of a trusting relationship with many people?
• Limits the pastors' covenant groups to 8 or 9 people because the dynamics change substantially as each person is added.
• But sharing something like addiction to pornography is not the best place. Not because of lack of confidentiality, ability to help, etc., but because it is so intense that it is best done with just one other person.
• That person should be someone you trust to share painful things, trust, and someone who will lovingly not let you run away.
• Alex: What about David, whose friends wanted to stone him after people raided their wives and family?
• Yes, God, is very loving. But the idea that we can just make it with God and ourselves is not what God intended - He wants us to build a family, a community of believers.
  
• Sharon: How can we be a safe place for others?
• You have to earn it. You have to have a long-term track record of loving others. It takes time to develop.
• A safe place is not just a place where you can tell people the truth about the bad things about ourselves, but a place where we also tell the truth about the good things about each other. (This is another way you earn it)
• Be faithful, true to friendships