Cornerstone...upon the foundation of Christ: Message and Fellowship: Dating/Marriage

Friday 2/16
6:30-7:15pm Dinner at Pho Saigon
7:30-9:30pm Speaker: Lee McMullin at ACC Portable

Part of his problem was that he thought that confessing to God was enough. It wasn't.
Says, if you can think of it, I did it. Mentioned was having an adulterous affair, while at the same time leading Sunday School. He was bothered, sometimes, that this wasn't right, but did not have the power to change
His major theme was you can't do it alone. You need the body of Christ.

Marriage is happy
Andy Lee: marriage is easy
Often what happens is that the woman isn't getting what she wants, so she gets upset at the guy. He shuts down. Since she still isn't getting what she wants, she feels like she needs to ratchet up the level, so the guy shuts down even further...
The average person in the U.S. had 20 friends in 1960, has 3 in 200x.

We are generally married to our one close friend, but we expect him/her to satisfy all our needs that we normally would have had 20 people for.
You need the body of Christ.

Can't have deep friends of the opposite sex after you are married. You just can't.

1 Cor 7:9. It is Lee's opinion that waiting until your bank account tells you that you are ready to be married is setting yourself up for moral failure sexually.
Getting in a rut with regards to personal and relational development [unprepares us]
It is important to realize that men and women are different, and that this is good.

Men want respect. Women want daily affirmation of specialness.
Men's idea of marriage: doing something together. Women's idea of marriage: talking over a cup of coffee; verbal intimacy.

Debbie: cultivate the qualities you want to see in your spouse
Jamie: "When I stopped looking, she [Debbie] showed up"
Andy: get someone to expose your blind spots. Don't be satisfied with who you are. Women want to be always learning something about the other person. Men tend to settle and be comfortable.
Lee: men want to do it themselves, be independent. Women want to nurture and so the guy feels like she is mothering him.
Lee: the most important thing is to develop yourself through good relationships with other believers.

Men watch "Saving Private Ryan" and ask "could I do that?" Women watch it and see a bunch of violence.

Dating/engaged couples need to start connecting with married people. You see that other women are annoying in the same way that yours is; some of her problems aren't because of her, they are because that's the way women are.
Being in community with other couples [who are sharing their difficulties] is far more important than therapy.
Things to talk about before marriage

Kids. Do you want them, how many, etc.
Career goals. (One thing this affects might be whether he/she really want kids; they might think they do, but if their career is really first, you might find out they don't. Or vice-versa)
Where to live

Ex. Lee's wife said she was ok with moving away from Hawaii, but it turns out that her heart is really still there. So while she intellectually thinks that the mainland is the best place, emotionally she still is upset that she isn't in Hawaii
If you live where your wife lives it gives her power: he has to accomodate her friends, family, etc.
[My thought: perhaps this is why the Bible says that the wife will leave her family and cleave to her husband]
Never move in with her parents, because their house is her home territory and you will be undermined.

[Geoff: their other books, Every Man's Marriage, and Every Woman's Marriage say much of what Lee said]

On 12:10, "...Honor one another above yourselves", Lee's comment was a categorical "women don't do this well"

Monday, February 19, 2007