So How DO We Relate to Our Parents?

Bob Chin, on Friday, gave some great insights about how to relate to our parents. He challenged us to not consume relationships like our culture consumes goods and services: "Love is putting in, not taking out!" He also had some practical ideas about communicating with our parents. Although our parents tend to be unemotional and very private, we can help build deeper relationships by asking good questions about how our parents are or were feeling. ("What was it like living in China?" "What did you like about X?") Read on...

What influences our idea of relationships?

• Media, like TV: Simpsons, Hannah Montana, Everybody Love Raymond, etc.
• We want these kind of western, intimate relationships with parents, but our parents weren't born here, so integrating cultures

Our Asian parents are different, and thus, "Asian Christianty" is different, too. It's
• Logical/rational
• Unemotional
• Extremely closed about personal things
• What about Biblical Christianity:
• Logical/rational (Rom 13:8)
• Emotional - David danced (2 Sam 6:13-17)
• Not private, but relational (Rom 13:10)

What does the Bible say our relationship should be like?
• Ex 20:12 (honor our parents) Eph 6:2 (command with parents) - 1st of the relational commands, which means it is of high importance
• How we relate to our parents is how we relate to a significant other, friends, children
• The promise is, that if we relate well to parents it will go well-we relate the same way
• Transcends time and culture (in both OT and NT)

How does our environment affect our view and how we act toward our parents?
• We are a consumer society. We consume relationships, too. (Feel better, closer to God, etc) People expect to get something from people.
• Starbucks church model: people are consumers, so we built churches to provide a good product
• Consumption leads to disappointment
• Are we looking at our parents to consume?
* Love is putting, not taking out!
• If we can teach our kids to put in, rather than taking out, we have succeeded
• Relationships on the brink of divorce are when people don't think they are getting enough out of the relationship
• Show respect; give benefit of doubt, don't assume they don't know what they are talking about
• Have you spent the time to figure out your parents love language?

How can we communicate with our Asian parents?
• Ask questions. The key is asking good questions, which also causes them to talk and you to listen. Ask questions to draw them out "how do you feel about ..."
• Listen
• Watch your body language - parents know if you really care
• What goes around, comes around. Our kids will treat us like we treat our parents
• Christ has redeemed us and our relationships (Jam 1:22-24, Rom 8:22)
• Christ changes people NOT you
• Bob asks, is there a little child in my parents that is crying out?
• Bob's dad's dad died early, and he wishes he had a dad. This explains a lot of his relational aspects with wife, kids, etc. Bob's dad never related to him because he'd never seen his dad relate to him. Bob has difficulty with Pete because his dad didn't know how to relate to, but makes a point of spending time with him

Application
• How do you ask good questions? Need to learn to draw out how they *feel*. Expressing your feelings is an important part of depth of relationship.
• Seeing unpleasant aspects of seeing you are like your parents: remember Christ can redeem that
• What did you learn about relating to parents? Asking questions about them: what was it like living in China? What did you like about X? What was it like living with Grandma? What were your favorite foods? How did you handle mom? How do you love her?
• This is a lifetime process